Schrödinger’s Complaint: IDFPR and the Quantum Mechanics of Accountability

Schrödinger’s Complaint: IDFPR and the Quantum Mechanics of Accountability

By F’nAround Media where science meets satire and Illinois meets itself.

Abstract:

In a bold experiment in quantum bureaucracy, the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation (IDFPR) has successfully proven that a citizen’s complaint can both exist and not exist at the exact same time.

Through careful observation (and a few FOIA requests), we discovered that reality itself bends when government regulators are asked a direct question.

Hypothesis:

If a complaint is filed against a politically connected cannabis company, and a regulator denies it exists, but then later says it’s part of a confidential investigation, then somewhere between those two statements, a new dimension of bullshit opens up.

Methodology:

1. File a formal complaint against Prairie Cannabis / NuEra Cannabis for marketing THC by showing the packaging directly to kids at a family-friendly event.

2. Receive official acknowledgment of the complaint from IDFPR.

3. File a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request to get a copy of said complaint and any conversation about it.

4. Watch in awe as IDFPR claims “no responsive records exist.”

5. File a second FOIA.

6. IDFPR now says the records are confidential due to an active investigation.

7. Try to reconcile both answers without losing brain cells.

8. Fail.

       9.   File PAC and FOIA AG to see if IDFPR told truth.

Results:

The experiment confirmed that IDFPR operates on what we call the Quantum Accountability Principle a theory stating that government transparency is inversely proportional to how embarrassing the truth would be.

In simple terms:

The moment you try to look, the answer changes.

Discussion:

By invoking the Schrödinger Paradox, IDFPR has created a revolutionary model for modern governance:

Your complaint exists when it benefits them and disappears when it benefits you. It’s both alive and dead, real and imaginary, truth and press release.

This discovery could change science forever or at least FOIA law in Illinois.

Conclusion:

IDFPR’s behavior demonstrates that the state has transcended basic logic and entered what physicists call a “cover-your-ass continuum.”

When regulators start using quantum mechanics to dodge accountability, maybe it’s time to check the calibration on the ethics meter.

Until then, we’ll keep shaking the box and maybe next time, the truth will meow back.

No wonder Governor Pritzker’s been dumping millions of Illinois tax dollars into quantum computing he’s just trying to find the truth. After ghosting our FOIA after two extensions, maybe he realized you can’t locate reality in this state without a particle accelerator. Forget ethics reform; the man’s building a supercomputer just to figure out if the cat’s dead, alive, or filed under “no responsive records.”

Filings and responses are located both in Active FOIA and the Timeline.

Comedic, watchdog, and journalistic commentary protected under satire and parody law.

F’nAround Media exposing corruption at the speed of light, laughter, and FOIA.