BREAKING: Pritzker to Shut Down All Illinois Gas Stations for Selling Hemp

BREAKING: Pritzker to Shut Down All Illinois Gas Stations for Selling Hemp

(Just kidding but by his logic, it tracks.)

Because under Illinois’ new regulatory reasoning, you can market cannabis to kids as long as you don’t actually sell it.

It’s like saying you can hand out beer coasters in a daycare as long as the kegs stay in the van.

That’s not satire.

That’s the official explanation from Prairie Cannabis / nuEra Cannabis / IESO, who told the Chicago Loop Alliance that their Sundays on State appearance wasn’t a violation because, quote:

“No live product or sales took place.”

So in Illinois, the new rule seems to be:

You can advertise to minors as long as you don’t make any money doing it.

Meanwhile, the Illinois Department of Agriculture (IDOA) responded to a FOIA about this exact issue with:

“No responsive records.”

Translation: We didn’t look, so we didn’t find it or IDFPR buried it and didn’t show us…

And the Illinois Department of Financial and Professional Regulation (IDFPR)? They didn’t even bother pretending to be clever. They got caught lying outright.

They told us “no records existed” even though we’d literally filed the complaint they were pretending didn’t exist.

Maybe if they’d actually done what the law requires you know, search for the record before denying it they could have pulled off a smarter cover-up.

Instead, they just confessed to not doing their job and showed everyone how deep the rot goes.

It’s lazy corruption.

Like, intern-on-Friday-before-a-holiday lazy.

And Governor Pritzker?

The same guy who swore he’d “protect the children from intoxicating hemp”?

He took two extensions and then ghosted the question entirely.

Which makes sense after all, it’s hard to explain how you’re protecting kids from hemp while letting cannabis companies market THC products next to face painters and balloon arches.

Illinois’ logic now goes something like this:

• Selling hemp = evil.

• State licensed Cannabis companies marketing weed to kids = fine.

• Talking about it = dangerous.

That’s not oversight that’s improv theater.

At this point, the only people following the rules are the ones too poor to donate to a PAC.

Because in Illinois, compliance isn’t about the law it’s about who you know and how fast you can “lose” the paperwork.

The moral math is simple:

Hemp bad. Weed fine. Children optional.

And anyone who notices? Problematic. Didn’t Pritzker already have an issue with an Aunt Martha before? 

So maybe next week we’ll see Pritzker’s newest initiative:

“Keep Kids Safe Shut Down the Gas Stations.”

Because apparently, logic and common sense is intoxicating.

All assholes. No excuses.

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